A Treatise on Guitar Hero Etiquette
by Ykari
Summary: Written for a prompt on the Glee Fluff Meme. When Finn decided to bring the boys over to watch a baseball game, this wasn't how he envisioned Kurt dealing with them. Rated for language.


Written for the Glee Fluff Meme over on Livejournal.

* * *

Summer vacation was being good to Kurt. It was a fantastic reprieve from the bullies and idiots of high school and this year, he had the added bonus of Finn spending a great deal of his time shirtless by the pool in the backyard.

Kurt might have been more or less over the crush, but he was definitely not complaining.

Unfortunately, Kurt didn't spend as much time enjoying the sight as he would have liked to. He burned too easily, so he preferred to spend his summer at the mall or lounging in his basement. And lounging was exactly what he was doing when Finn tramped down the stairs looking more than a little sunburned.

"The aloe's on the dresser, Finn" Kurt called lazily from where he was lying on his bed, watching a Monster Garage marathon. There was nothing better on, okay? He'd looked. Summer programming sucked.

Finn glanced at the dresser and apparently decided that he'd take the sunburn over figuring out which bottle was the aloe. "I'll be alright. Uh, can I ask you something though?"

Monster Garage cut to a commercial so Kurt turned to give Finn his full attention. "Yes?"

"Do you mind if some of the guys come over next Tuesday? The All-Star Game is on and I accidentally mentioned the big screen TV upstairs so they're kind of dying to watch it here."

Kurt's brow furrowed in confusion, "Why are you asking me?"

Finn shrugged, "Because I already asked your dad and he said to ask you since he was gonna watch it with Mickey and Alan at the bar after they closed the shop."

Mickey and Alan were two guys who had been working at the Hummel autoshop for longer than Kurt had been alive. In fact, they'd gone to school with his dad, so Kurt wasn't really surprised that his dad would prefer to watch the game with them than Finn and whoever he wanted to bring. Speaking of...

"When you say guys, who exactly do you mean?" Kurt asked suspiciously, "Puck, Matt, and Mike?"

"Well, Matt and Mike, yeah. Puck hates baseball so he won't come. But uh, AJ Cutler, Frank Thompson, and Sam Becker want to come too. They're on the football team but I dunno if you know them." Finn ran a hand through his damp hair, looking nervous, "OhandalsomaybeAzimio?"

The last part was said so quickly that at first, Kurt wasn't sure what he'd said. And then when he replayed it in his head, he was sure he must have heard it wrong. Because there was absolutely no way that Finn thought it was a good idea to bring Adrian Azimio over to the Hummel-Hudson household.

"You're not serious, are you? Azimio? I'm okay with all the others, but _Adrian fucking Azimio_? Really, Finn?" Kurt asked incredulously.

Finn flushed. "Yeah, but it's just him. Not Azimio and Karofsky. He's not that bad when it's just him, I swear. Karofsky's the troublemaker, Azimio is just his toady. He'll behave himself if he doesn't have backup."

"But he does have backup, Finn." Kurt reminded him, "He's got Cutler, Thompson, and Becker."

"Nah, they're good guys. Or at least, they never helped dump you in the trash. I think." Finn paused to think about it. "No, I guess Thompson did. Cutler and Becker didn't though. They always said it was mean."

"You're really not inspiring me to believe that I can trust these people around the house without my dad here." Kurt said dryly.

Finn gave Kurt a lopsided grin, "C'mon. You've got me, Matt, and Mike here for you. We'll take care of everything."

Some day, Kurt would be able to say no to that grin. Some day.

He'd have to work on that.

* * *

Kurt gave serious consideration to just not being home on Tuesday. His dad even suggested it once he found out that Kurt had agreed to let seven large football players watch baseball in his house. But Mercedes was visiting family in Cleveland, Artie and Tina were going to the movies that day (they had extended an invitation to Kurt, but the last thing he wanted to do was spend two hours in a movie theater watching his friends make out), Quinn was spending her summer trying to reconnect with Santana and Brittany, and although Kurt was able to tolerate Rachel in small doses these days, he suspected that he'd end up killing her if he hung out with her for too long.

In the end, he decided it'd be easiest if he just stayed in the basement all day. It was what he would do any other day, so why should Tuesday be different? Besides, it wasn't like the boys had any reason to come down to the basement except for Finn.

Of course, what Kurt hadn't counted on was how early the boys would arrive and how late they would stay. He'd been expecting them to show up just before the game started and leave when it was over. Apparently that wasn't how it worked.

Which was why Kurt opened the door to find Matt and Mike on his doorstep at noon, several hours before he had anticipated.

"The game starts this early?" He asked, puzzled.

Mike beamed at him, "Gotta set up, dude. Where's Finn?"

Kurt stepped aside to let them in, staring at the bags they were carrying with bemusement. "He went to get snacks. Dad went to the store last week to get Doritos and Oreos and whatnot, but Finn ate all of it over the weekend."

"Only Finn?" Matt asked innocently.

Kurt scowled at him, "Look, you can't just leave Oreos lying around here, okay? If it's on the counter, it's fair game."

The boys nodded agreeably. Anything edible was fair game to a teenage boy, much less something left out on the counter in plain view. You have to hide that kind of thing.

Kurt watched them unpack an Xbox 360 from the bags, as well as a number of controllers and a few party games. He debated telling them that he already owned an Xbox and a PS3, and they didn't really have to bring that over but he decided he probably didn't need to go around advertising his geeky habits to jocks. Even if they were jocks who happened to be in Glee. Still, when Matt retrieved a pair of Guitar Hero controllers from the car, Kurt was sorely tempted to stay upstairs and trounce them all.

But no, remember the plan. Stay in the basement and nothing can go wrong. Stick to the plan.

Kurt shook his head to clear his thoughts and let the boys finish up their preparations. If they were going to be over here for hours, then Kurt needed to make something to eat now before the rest of the guys showed up and going to the kitchen became an adventure in stealth.

He hummed absently to himself as he made a decent sized salad with the sounds of Matt and Mike puttering around with the TV in the background. He finished it right as Finn came home, which was perfect timing because it meant that Kurt could grab a bowl of chips for himself as well as nab a few cookies. He topped it off with a pitcher of iced tea and retreated to the basement just in time to a hear a heavy knock on the door and Azimio and Thompson's laughter outside.

Kurt had food, drinks, a bathroom, and his own entertainment in the basement. Hopefully they'd be done by dinner time and he'd be no worse for wear. They had to be done by dinner, right?

Right?

* * *

To Kurt's eternal confusion, Adrian Azimio was the perfect house guest. He was by no means friendly and he was clearly uncomfortable, but Azimio seemed to respect that he was on Kurt's turf and that meant that he had absolutely no right to dish out insults or violence. Or at least, he knew that if he did, Kurt was well within his rights to kick him out.

Of course, Kurt wouldn't have found this out at all if AJ Cutler hadn't had a bad reaction to something he'd eaten and spent a solid forty minutes in the upstairs bathroom. And while Cutler was hogging the bathroom, other people still needed to use it. Finn had been able to do nothing but direct them to the basement, though he had enough presence of mind to alert Kurt to the whole thing before people started invading his privacy.

Mike had been the first to run downstairs, shout a rushed hello at Kurt, and then dart into the bathroom like his bladder was about to explode. He was much more relaxed when he left and even apologized for bothering Kurt who was rather amused about it. He hadn't lingered long though, presumably eager to get back to watching the game.

Sam Becker had come down next, much more calmly than Mike, and he was polite enough to introduce himself before using the bathroom. He was a football player that Kurt only knew vaguely since he wasn't one of the jocks that liked picking on people. Sam was a lean black boy with dreadlocks and a friendly face, though he seemed awfully fidgety. It was hard to say if it was because of Kurt or if he was just a naturally jumpy guy. Evidence from Finn seemed to support the latter.

Sam made small talk on his way out, pausing at the base of the steps to watch a particularly gruesome scene from Kill Bill Vol 1 which Kurt had playing. Once the scene was over, he shook his head (the beads at the end of his dreadlocks rattled) and went back up the stairs.

Kurt didn't notice the next boy coming down. Finn was only letting them go down one at a time because it was one thing to leave Kurt alone with a footballer twice his size and quite another to leave him alone with a gang of them. Regardless, Kurt was too enraptured in his movie to hear Azimio coming down the stairs and he didn't see the jock standing around looking incredibly awkward until the boy cleared his throat. Kurt nearly jumped out of his skin and he whipped his head around to stare at Azimio.

"Uh, good choice of movie?" Azimio said it like a peace offering, a desperate attempt not to cause offense and get himself removed from Kurt's house before the baseball game was over. "Where's your bathroom at, man?"

Kurt pointed wordlessly and watched Azimio like a hawk as he scurried to the bathroom as though he was afraid he'd catch 'the gay' if he stood in Kurt's room too long. Given his general style of clothing, he could only have benefited from it.

But as quickly and unobtrusively as Azimio had entered Kurt's room, he left it. Maybe Finn was right. The jocks really weren't all that tough once you got them on their own and away from their comfort zones.

* * *

Oh god, he was hungry.

Kurt was many things but most of all, he was a teenage boy. The salad and the chips hadn't lasted long enough, and the cookies hadn't lasted so much as five minutes once he was alone in his room with them. Kurt was even out of iced tea. And it was almost an hour past dinner time. Why the hell were the jocks still there? Were baseball games really this long? Kurt couldn't have sat through this even if the players weren't wearing those godawful uniforms.

Kurt just couldn't take it anymore. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't into starving himself. He needed food. If Azimio had been willing to behave himself, then surely none of the others would cause trouble if he just went to the kitchen to cook something up. And if they did start something, Finn, Matt, and Mike were right there.

There was no way this could end badly, except for the ten thousand ways that it could. But hey, he needed to eat _something_.

Kurt ascended the stairway with a sigh, knowing deep in his gut that he was going to regret this but knowing too that he had no other options. He crept down the hall that lead to both the kitchen and the living room, trying not to interrupt what was (hopefully) the last part of the game.

It was not the last part of the game. It wasn't even close.

AJ Cutler was sitting on a chair angled at just such a way that while most of the boys couldn't see Kurt coming around the corner, AJ couldn't help but see him. AJ was a short boy with a sharp, angular face, hazel eyes, and spiky blonde hair that looked like he styled it with lard. He had never tossed Kurt in a dumpster before, which wasn't exactly a glowing recommendation of his character, but in comparison to a few of the people sitting on his couch, it might as well have been hymns and hosannas.

AJ also still looked a little queasy, but he wasn't spewing liquids from any of his orifices so it was a marked improvement over earlier.

"Hey, hey Kurt! You're just in time, dude!" AJ called, waving him over.

Kurt walked over warily, hoping that he was about to say that he was just in time for the last play (did they call them plays in baseball? Kurt wasn't sure) of the game. He stood behind the couch, directly behind Finn and well away from Azimio who was sitting on a smaller couch off to the side with Frank Thompson. Kurt didn't want to push his luck. "Just in time for what?"

AJ grinned hugely at him, looking way too excited for somebody forced to watch people wear stirrup pants. "The opening pitch, dude!"

Wait. Back up.

"The opening – are you telling me the game is only just now starting?"

Finn tilted his head back to look at his almost-brother in confusion, "Yeah, why?"

Kurt wanted to stomp his foot in irritation, but his pride stopped him. He took a deep breath and forced himself to be polite. "Nevermind. I'm making dinner, Finn. Stuffed pork loin specifically. Do you want any or are you okay with eating... all of this stuff?" Kurt gestured at the pile of snacks and assorted junk on the counter.

Finn started to nod (which wasn't really an answer either way and Kurt would have told him as much) when somebody piped up with, "Yeah, I bet you'd enjoy stuffed loins."

Finn and Kurt both snapped their heads towards the two boys on the smaller couch. Azimio looked distinctly alarmed at their glares and gestured at Thompson helplessly.

"Oh come on, that was funny, admit it." Thompson laughed at his own joke. Kurt rolled his eyes and walked past Thompson and Azimio to get to the kitchen while Finn shot them both murderous looks.

Kurt couldn't honestly say he was surprised. Frank Thompson had always been kind of a prick. He was a burly linebacker who had taken a few too many hits to the head and his mannerisms tended to show as much. Thompson had never directly picked Kurt up and pitched him in the trash, but he'd stood on the sidelines and cheered for it. He'd also spray painted a number of slurs on Kurt's locker and taken part in the whole lawn-furniture-on-the-roof debacle. As much of an asshole as he was though, he was one annoying-but-ultimately-harmless bullies in that he generally preferred to just cause damage to Kurt's property rather than Kurt himself. As his father had told him once while he was trying to clean slushie stains out of a sweater he'd been fond of, property was replaceable. Kurt wasn't.

At any rate, Finn seemed to have the situation under control and Kurt didn't see why he should have to hold off on making dinner any longer. His stomach was calling.

* * *

The thing was, the kitchen was close enough to the living room for Kurt to hear everything they were saying and far enough away that the boys seemed to think he couldn't. For the most part, they were just talking about the game so Kurt was content to ignore the voices.

Kurt had just finished putting the stuffing on to cook when he heard Finn get off the couch to go to the bathroom. He didn't think much about it and pulled a 10 inch meat slicer out of the block so he could butterfly the pork loin. He considered just cutting in half, but hell, why not do it right?

"I bet the fag's got a frilly, pink apron." Thompson's voice echoed down the hallway.

Kurt paused and cocked his head.

Only barely audible from the kitchen, Kurt heard Matt growl, "Dude, shut the hell up."

Thompson snorted. "Why? Big bro isn't here. Man, how fucked up is it that he's got to live in the same house as that little cocksucker? I wouldn't stand for that shit. And a year ago, Finn wouldn't have either. Glee club turned that poor dude gay, I'm telling you."

Kurt wasn't consciously aware that he was leaving the kitchen until he was halfway down the hall with his knife still in hand.

Sam's voice reached his ears next, "Why are you such a douche? You're in his house, he could just kick you out."

"He wouldn't dare." Thompson scoffed. "I'm twice his size."

Azimio apparently heard his footsteps and he looked backwards over the couch to glance down the hallway towards the kitchen. Kurt was close enough to see his eyes widen. Kurt smirked at him and kept moving towards the couch.

"I mean seriously, what the fuck would he do to me? Insult my clothes? He's a tiny, little faggot and there ain't nothing he could do to hurt me."

"Well he's also a cook and happens to have a kitchen full of sharp objects, so I suppose there's that."

Thompson jumped out of his seat like it was on fire as he felt a knife prodding his back, hard enough to make a point but gentle enough not to break skin.

"Holy fucking shit, Hummel! Are you crazy?"

"I could also call the cops. You are on my property, after all. So how about you get out of my house before you end up in jail," Kurt spun the knife in his hand, "or in the hospital." Thompson hesitated and looked towards Azimio for support that wasn't forthcoming. Kurt pointed the knife at the jock's chest. "That was not a suggestion."

Frank Thompson fled.

"That was my ride." Azimio said weakly.

Kurt shrugged, "Feel free to leave with him."

"Uh, I'll walk."

Finn chose that exact moment to wander back into the living room. He flopped down on his spot on the larger couch and only then noticed that everyone had fallen silent and one of their number was missing. Finn glanced around, mystified. "What did I miss?"

* * *

An hour later, Kurt pulled a perfectly done stuffed pork loin out of the oven and found himself dividing it up with six other boys who had caught the smell of it and invaded his kitchen. Kurt would never say it out loud (Karofsky and Azimio didn't need more ammunition for their ongoing campaign to prove that Kurt was actually a girl in disguise) but he kind of enjoyed feeling like a housewife with a pack of unruly children.

So as much as he protested the boys stealing bites of what had been meant to be Kurt and Finn's dinner, Kurt privately thrilled at their interest and the fact that they obviously liked what he'd made. Azimio had nearly wept tears of joy when Kurt had handed him the recipe to give to his mother. Sam had taken one bite and promptly got down on one knee to propose. Well, it had probably been a proposal anyway. His mouth had been full, so it was kind of hard to tell.

Kurt watched the baseball game halfheartedly while he ate his own dinner but he just couldn't force himself to enjoy it. Watching the boys turned out to be a bit more interesting though. Finn, Mike, and AJ were paying rapt attention to the game, to the point that Kurt wasn't even sure they were blinking. Azimio was watching it, but his gaze kept flickering nervously to Kurt as though he was afraid he'd be the next person to feel a knife against his back.

Matt and Sam, however, both looked utterly disinterested. Matt was probably only there because the other half of the duo had wanted to come and they were inseparable. They weren't Matt and Mike, two friends. They were MattandMike. That was how it worked. Sam was a mystery though. Unless he shared a similar relationship with AJ, Kurt couldn't think of a good reason for Sam to show up at the house of someone he didn't know to watch a game he had no interest in.

Finished with his dinner, Kurt loaded the plates into the dishwasher and mused on whether he wanted to watch Kill Bill Vol 2 or find something else to do. As he passed through the living room on the way to the basement though, he caught sight of Matt heaving a sigh and dropping his head to rest on the back of the couch. Sam fidgeted in his chair, his leg bouncing absently. Kurt considered his options again and decided that he wasn't really in the mood for another gory movie anyway.

Careful not to interrupt the boys who were actually interested in the game, Kurt tapped Matt on the shoulder and bent down to whisper in his ear, "Want to do something else?" Matt nodded gratefully and abandoned his spot on the couch. Glancing over at Sam, who was watching him curiously, Kurt jerked his head towards his basement and Sam leapt at the opportunity.

Both boys followed Kurt to the basement and flopped down his couch unceremoniously. Matt picked up the DVD case for Iron Man off the end table and waved it. "If we're watching a movie, I vote this one. It's got explosions, robots, and eye candy for both sexualities. We'd all be happy."

"Robert Downey Jr. is definitely a treat," Kurt agreed, "But we are not watching movies." He pulled open a large cabinet near the TV and smirked as both boys whooped with delight. "So, Guitar Hero or Rock Band?"

* * *

What felt like only minutes but was in truth over an hour later, Azimio came down the stairs looking for Sam. "Yo Becker, game's pretty much over already because the – is that Rock Band?"

None of them bothered to look over at him, though Kurt shouted over Matt's singing "Guitar Hero World Tour, actually."

Azimio stared at Matt as he wailed out the lyrics to 'Everlong'. "Why is he singing?"

"Because he wanted to?" Kurt called with a slight shrug, never taking his eyes off the screen, "We've been switching off. Honestly, I can't sing most of the songs on here without hurting my throat and Matt does enjoy singing. He's in Glee for a reason. When I play by myself or with Finn, I'm usually on guitar anyway. And Sam didn't want to sing."

Sam nodded while pounding away on the drums, "I sound like a cat being stepped on when I sing. I'll stick to drumming."

"Always preferred guitar myself." Azimio said cautiously as the song ended. There was a note of longing in his voice but there was no way his pride would allow him to ask the unspoken question.

Perhaps it was the thrill of hitting a 95% completion on Hard, perhaps Kurt was just feeling confident in his own home, or perhaps he really just wasn't thinking too hard about it, but the words were tumbling out of his mouth before Kurt could even think of stopping them. "The other guitar is in the cabinet."

Matt gave Kurt a curious look but he was closest to the cabinet, so he shrugged and retrieved the controller before tossing it at the other jock. Azimio opened his mouth to say something, then simply closed it and found a seat on the opposite end of the couch from Kurt.

Oblivious to the tension in the room, Sam suddenly exclaimed "Dude! Do Queen, I love Queen!"

Kurt snickered, "We'll do 'Fat Bottomed Girls'. It always reminds me of Puck."

Matt turned back to the screen just in time to see the loading screen pop up, "Wait, I can't do Freddie Mercury! Kurt!"

"Suck it up, Matt."

* * *

Finn was confused. This was par for the course for him, but still. Standing at the bottom of the stairs in the basement, Finn was pretty sure he'd wandered into some alternate dimension by accident.

There was no other explanation for why he was watching Adrian Azimio, Matt Rutherford, Sam Becker, and Kurt Hummel play Guitar Hero together, with Kurt belting out the lyrics to 'Misery Business'.

Something very strange was going on.

Just a minute ago, Finn had gotten up to get a refill of his soda during a commercial when Mike had suddenly looked around and said "Did Azimio leave already?" Finn had nearly dropped the soda on the floor in his rush to get to the basement. It was sound proofed so if Azimio had done something, Finn wouldn't have heard it. God, he was a terrible step-brother, what if Kurt was hurt? Azimio could kill him or something!

The fact that Matt and Sam were in the basement with him slipped Finn's mind as he stampeded down the stairs. He stopped dead though as he reached the bottom and took in the sights and sounds.

Sam grinned as Kurt finished singing while dancing as much as he could in the small space between the couch and the TV, "Oh god dude, I was serious earlier. Marry me for real, man."

Kurt laughed, "Oh, so that was a marriage proposal?"

"What else would it have been?"

"Well you were on your knees making gestures at my waist. I thought you were offering to blow me."

Matt and Azimio roared with laughter and Sam got a thoughtful look on his face. "Well, if you married me, then I guess I'd sort of be obliged to have sex with you, wouldn't I?"

Kurt raised an eyebrow, "I don't think that's how marriage works."

Matt shook his head. "According to my dad, marriage is when a woman holds your sex drive hostage until you give in and pay up."

"Well I'm clearly the money in this scenario, so I guess that makes you the wife, Sammy boy."

Sam's laughter joined Matt and Azimio's, "I'll be your bitch any day, baby."

Finn started to go back up the stairs, intent on finding out if the apocalypse had descended while he was watching baseball, when Kurt caught sight of him and gave him a huge grin. "Hey Finn, how's the game? You know, you should really bring friends over more often. This is fun."

Finn blinked at him owlishly and turned to ascend the stairs without saying a word. He needed to see if it was raining blood outside.


End file.
